A few months ago I mentioned how the period of unknown between a job offer and the start of a job is sort of like dating someone new. Although it can be nerve-wracking, the anticipation is predominantly positive and full of excitement (for most people I talk to anyway).
When I was waiting to start my new job, my thoughts focused on What will things be like? Who will my clients be? and I can’t wait to leave this job. I am so excited to do something I care about! Will I really have my own office? I also had lofty, idealistic fantasies that seem ludicrous in retrospect (in case you’re curious: I accidentally spelled ludicrous like the rapper’s name at first. I’m a genius).
Not only is this period of giddy uncertainty a thing of the past, but even the starting-a-new-job excitement seems like it has faded quickly. As the title says, the honeymoon is over. Don’t get me wrong: I am not saying that the job is terrible. It’s just that, in my right mind, I can see that a lot of its flaws shouldn’t be so surprising. My first day on the job was basically the first day of this program. What did I expect?
I guess I expected that when the agency said it was “modeling” the program after their many other nearly identical programs, they really would. I guess I expected that there would be more support. I guess I expected that there would be an intake process instead of an awful scramble for information a month after clients started. I guess I expected that the building we are housed in would be “childproofed.”
I guess I expected too much.
Did I forget what it means to work in social services? Did I forget what it means to work in public education? I sometimes question my sanity over the last few months. After all, I did move to a new city and start a new job at a new program all in the course of 24 hours. How much newness is too much newness?
I want to say that I am happy at my job, but all I can really say is that I feel better about it than the last one. And I can’t decide if that is enough. With all this newness I know I still need more time to get a baseline. I’ve been at this job for over two months, but the school year only started a little over a month ago. It really hasn’t been that long.
I have a feeling I didn’t post this last week because I wanted to have something more positive to say. I want to love what I’m doing and share it with all of you. And a lot of days I do love what I’m doing, but I love it until I’m exhausted and can’t sort out my ideas anymore. A routine is in my future and my brain will start working appropriately soon, I just know it. Or at least, I hope it. Until then, I guess I have to live with sounding a bit negative.
I can’t end this like that though, so here’s a very important moment from a recent therapy session:
Me: (surprised) You knocked over all my pens!
13 y/o boy: *laughs uncontrollably*
Me: *laughing* How did that happen?
13 y/o boy: *stops laughing suddenly* Oops I tooted!