The honeymoon is over

A few months ago I mentioned how the period of unknown between a job offer and the start of a job is sort of like dating someone new. Although it can be nerve-wracking, the anticipation is predominantly positive and full of excitement (for most people I talk to anyway).

When I was waiting to start my new job, my thoughts focused on What will things be like? Who will my clients be? and I can’t wait to leave this job. I am so excited to do something I care about!  Will I really have my own office? I also had lofty, idealistic fantasies that seem ludicrous in retrospect (in case you’re curious: I accidentally spelled ludicrous like the rapper’s name at first. I’m a genius).

Not only is this period of giddy uncertainty a thing of the past, but even the starting-a-new-job excitement seems like it has faded quickly. As the title says, the honeymoon is over. Don’t get me wrong: I am not saying that the job is terrible. It’s just that, in my right mind, I can see that a lot of its flaws shouldn’t be so surprising. My first day on the job was basically the first day of this program. What did I expect?

I guess I expected that when the agency said it was “modeling” the program after their many other nearly identical programs, they really would. I guess I expected that there would be more support. I guess I expected that there would be an intake process instead of an awful scramble for information a month after clients started. I guess I expected that the building we are housed in would be “childproofed.”

I guess I expected too much.

Did I forget what it means to work in social services? Did I forget what it means to work in public education? I sometimes question my sanity over the last few months. After all, I did move to a new city and start a new job at a new program all in the course of 24 hours. How much newness is too much newness? 

I want to say that I am happy at my job, but all I can really say is that I feel better about it than the last one. And I can’t decide if that is enough. With all this newness I know I still need more time to get a baseline. I’ve been at this job for over two months, but the school year only started a little over a month ago. It really hasn’t been that long.

I have a feeling I didn’t post this last week because I wanted to have something more positive to say. I want to love what I’m doing and share it with all of you. And a lot of days I do love what I’m doing, but I love it until I’m exhausted and can’t sort out my ideas anymore. A routine is in my future and my brain will start working appropriately soon, I just know it. Or at least, I hope it. Until then, I guess I have to live with sounding a bit negative.

I can’t end this like that though, so here’s a very important moment from a recent therapy session:

Me: (surprised) You knocked over all my pens!
13 y/o boy: *laughs uncontrollably*
Me: *laughing* How did that happen?
13 y/o boy: *stops laughing suddenly* Oops I tooted!

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2 thoughts on “The honeymoon is over

  1. Ladyfriend, I think we’re cosmically connected. I keep referencing this very conversation of ours. About new jobs, new men. With all the new (newish?) in my life, and my recent news… I keep thinking about my tempered happiness. Or reluctance. Because while I have an official date countdown, invitiations for farewell drinks in the email, and the like…

    I know how much I have to do to close out my caseload (and clearly I’m taking it seriously as I just read your & SocialJerk’s posts)…

    I know how much I will have to learn. Not just a new job, but a few weeks in a new city… then home…

    Plus my relationship is hitting the end of the new portion… as it started the same day as your adventure above… I don’t know where my ramble is going. Except that I feel you… in this weird I know it’s going to happen way.

  2. Ugh, I’m sorry the honeymoon is already over but I’m glad you feel better there at least. Every positive step forward is worth something! I hope things will shift for the better or that something will change to make things improve. I’m so glad it’s not *bad*, though!

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