Get excited: it’s parody instructions time! It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure without the choices…
Creating A Social Work* Daze
*These instructions may apply to people in other fields or to most people with a predisposition to spreading themselves too thin.
First, what you will need:
- Back-to-back meetings and/or appointments
- Preexisting tension with a significant other, best friend, roommate or family member
- An upcoming major transition (optional)
- A white shirt or dress (optional)
Preferred environmental conditions:
- Temperatures of of 90 degrees or higher. If possible, high humidity or heavy rain.
- If you are female, this will be most effective when attempted during your period or PMS.
Now, start your day by sleeping through your alarm and waking up late. Forget to put on deodorant. Drink a cup of coffee in a rush on your way to work so that you spill it on your shirt/dress at a time when you will not have the option to change. Fail to remove the stain with your Tide To Go stick.
In your rush, do not eat anything substantial for breakfast and forget your lunch on the kitchen counter. Spend money on food/snacks that are not filling. Examples: A croissant, potato chips, a cookie, Skittles.
If someone close to you is having a difficult time or is in crisis, fixate on their issues and try to half-assedly help them in five-minute phone calls crammed between your back-to-back meetings and appointments. This works best if the person is your significant other, roommate or a very close friends who is angry with you or with whom you are angry. This will allow you to be most certain that the brief phone calls (or even better: texts!) will exacerbate the issue and cause you greater anxiety throughout the day.
When you leave your last meeting of the day, make an important phone call that is money-related. Ideally, the call will be regarding an unclear billing statement from your student loan provider, internet/TV provider or other provider with incompetent people answering their customer service line.
After you accomplish nothing as a result of this call, place another call to whichever family member is most infuriating to talk to about financial issues. Ask their advice and yell at them when they tell you the exact thing you expected them to say.
Try in vain to fix the fight from earlier with your significant other/best friend/roommate/family member.
Forget to eat (again).
Look down at your faded coffee stain with a ring of stain remover around it. Make a fake promise to yourself that you’ll stop buying white clothing.
Walk too fast and sweat through your clothing (aren’t you glad you aren’t wearing deodorant?) OR leave your umbrella at one of your meetings/appointments and get soaked in a sudden downpour.
Miss an email about a new last-minute deadline.
If you have followed these instructions and feel a terrible shaky, foggy, dizzy feeling that means you’ve succeeded. Or failed, depending how you look at it.
The social work daze may be unavoidable, but let these instructions serve as a guide for what not to do. And may we all have more rewarding and fulfilling social work days than we have the social work daze…